Archive for January, 2012

January 15, 2012

14/15

This must be the most insane relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve had my share of eventful and regretful, but you just can’t top twice met, 18 years apart, then a one-day courtship that teeters between the 14th and 15th.

I have gone from nonchalant to giddy, from confidently flirting to doubtful, and from giving my solid yes to what-was-I-thinking? Just moments after the exhilarating goodbye, I was suddenly plagued by thoughts of “What?!? I’m Kathryn again?” concerning the other girl he likes. And then there’s that thing. He never should have brought it up. I know it was like testing the waters, but that act alone should have dropped him into the “friends only” bucket with a resounding clang.

Now there’s the four-month trip to his territory. How do I begin to explain how impossible that would be? I had resolved to say it was all a mistake. If I came across him, that is. Like a true coward, I initially planned a vanishing act. Now I’m still here and it’s like we’re both being careful. We’re acting more than friends, but certainly not lovers. Part of me wants to say we just got caught up in nostalgia and that oh-so-familiar what could’ve been. But then part of me wants to see what might have been. I need to put a stop to this ordeal. But how?

Shall I let it die a natural death, like the last one? Shall I disappear or wait for him to do so? One thing is for certain at this point. I have no idea what to say nor how to say it.

Is this my answered prayer? Why is it starting on all the wrong feet then? Shall I kill it now? I fantasize of a swift, painless death–brutal, but honest. Of course, I know I could never do it for real. Shall I make the best of things and believe this is the love of my life? If so, where’s the passion that leaves me breathless? Where are the butterflies? I have waited so long and rejected so many (Okay, I’m really pushing it here) for there not be a butterfly-filled sky. Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies, and nothing less than butterflies.

Can I rewind 24 hours of my life, at the very least?

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