can lust be filled with so much love?

While it’s not surprising that there’s not much to it, it was after all nothing more than one night, it cannot be ignored that the event had been a culmination of years of friendship, respect, and a yearning too shameful and taboo to be made known.

the longer it simmers, the more tender it’s gonna be

I didn’t even know that the fascination had been discreetly tucked away for that long. I had known it to be four years on my end, but apparently on his end it had been more than five years if i am to calculate correctly.

According to him, his infatuation began pre-baby, pre-relationship with baby’s daddy, and even pre-relationship with ex before baby’s daddy.

Now that’s a lot of years back and too long of a longing to survive in this day and age. I am amazed that it did not die out with all the drama I have had in my life.

And that’s exactly why I have come to the conclusion that this is love of a different level. I fully understand the reasons why this cannot be anything more than what it is, but unlike four months ago over there, I don’t feel a certain detachment in  the heart department.

I knew right away that I loved him. I didn’t have to be afraid, I didn’t even have to doubt it. Heck, I didn’t even have to wait for anything from him. I love and I don’t care. I had been somewhat suspicious that I had been loving since that kiss from two years ago. Or even from the first one from three years ago. But it was never really confirmed. After all, in cases like these, you never really know. Until you actually know.

could the feeling be mutual?

And it wasn’t just because of that night, either. The act itself was an itch that had to be scratched. It was when he asked me why. Was it my imagination or was there a look of pain that flickered in his eyes when it dawned on him that he might have been a conquest?

As my heart struggled to explain why I had done what I had, I myself began to understand that I had been preparing myself for this day for years now. It was him who seemed surprise that it actually happened.

To be honest, my mind had known all along that I would do this. I knew a long time ago that it would happen eventually. And it was the perfect night; I was nursing a broken heart, he was leaving on a jet plane. Well, not technically a jet plane… but you get the gist.

it was meant to happen, just as it was never meant to be

What I can’t get over is realizing how much I loved him. It’s not often that you fall for a friend. I guess I had slowly been falling for him over the years, but we had been so busy with our own worlds that didn’t involve each other to even notice that we had left this hidden desire unchecked. On its own, it flourished abundantly all those years and by the time I went to see how it had grown, I was shocked to find that it had taken over my whole being.

but i know this time it’s different babe coz you mean so much to me

I have been infatuated with some people a few times in the past. But the theory that simply states “out of sight, out of mind” had always applied. This was not the case with my friend. It’s a feeling that was never encouraged, much less given too much thought, and so left on its own it just grew into the beautiful creature it is now. It had a solid foundation, after all, and did not pose any threat of insecurity to either of us. It was as calm and serene as the night was.

Four months ago, I had been looking and praying for this kind of love to arrive with the last guy. It didn’t, until two weeks before we broke up. Hence, the four-day melodrama. And it was that night time goodbye kiss that did it, even after many nights of earth-shattering moments.

Though this one might have been a slighter tremor by comparison, here I am smiling like crazy thinking about him all day, wasting away to sickening love songs played over and over again, and oddly invigorated to do that which is my passion…

Today, I am still amazed to know that I love and do so with such casual acceptance.


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