Archive for December, 2010

December 25, 2010

relationship regression

The normal course of a relationship is courtship, bliss, love quarrel, making up, huge fight, break up. Sometimes a one-night stand also progresses to become a relationship. There are also FF’s who become serious and eventually commit to each other.

But what do you call a relationship that, after a break up, survives like driftwood in the sea of love?

I call this relationship regression. From a once passionate affair peppered with intermittent bursts of emotional skirmishes, Four Months and I had downgraded to being FF’s. What a harsh term.

It all started when he texted me a Merry Christmas come Christmas Eve. I replied and received his answer ten times on my two phones. Apparently, the networks were clogged as expected. I replied again but didn’t get any more answer from him. Too bad, I had wished he would come over. I didn’t want to be lonely on Christmas Day.

Well, after the little monster and I finished our noche buena, we retired to a Madonna and Child portrait in the living room. He slept soundly on the couch, clutching his brand new airplane while I amused myself with Psych Season 1. And the antics of James Roday never failed to amuse me. I wondered, where would I find a real guy like Shawn Spencer?

But even as the new love of my life (Sorry Johnny Depp, I’ve found a new guy. You’re still No. 1 in my heart, though), had me falling in love with him with each episode, I couldn’t stop myself from checking my phone for a new message from time to time.

My only guest for the noche buena was a former colleague who had another party to go. I couldn’t help but think that if only Four Months had asked me, I would have gone to his place for an after-party celebration. It would have been our fifth-month anniversary, too. Alas, the booty call never came.

Until the next day.

It was late in the afternoon and I was just filing away some articles into my portfolio when my phone received a text message from him. Our sms convo went vaguely like this:

Merry Christmas, Ash.

Merry Christmas, too, Four Months.

I was trying to call you last night. The networks were busy. Do you still have some chicken macaroni salad left?

Yes, plenty.

Can I come over and have some?

Sure, but I thought you didn’t like my macaroni?

I think your macaroni is really good. Okay, I’ll come. Won’t your boyfriend get mad?

Nah, I already broke up with my boyfriend.

Okay, I’ll be there around 7.

So he arrived, around 7-ish. The little monster and I were watching Psych. We kissed on the cheek and had dinner. After an hour, the little monster began yawning and was encouraged by Four Months to go to bed.

When we were alone on the couch, he noticed that my toe nails were painted red and asked me if I was in love. I told him that they’re always red. He said that I was blooming. Well, he didn’t need to, because if he only knew how much I’ve wanted to be with him since last night… but I appreciated the effort.

He asked me earlier if he was going to go home or spend the night. I told him it was his decision. When we were alone, he told me that he was sleepy and enumerated what he had done that day.

We made small talk… He asked me who I’ve been going out with, I said no one. I asked him who he’s been seeing, and he said he hasn’t been out lately, hasn’t been with any girl at all.

Apparently, the fire still burned on Christmas.

His eyes were closed, so I let him sleep while I went on watching Psych. I had my back to him as he lay on the couch. All it took was a slight brush of my arm against his head. The next thing I knew, we were kissing each other as if there was no tomorrow.

It was everything I wanted and imagined it to be for many days now, and only a few hours before. Just before he texted me, in fact. Christmas wishes do come true.

The only difference was, instead of the glowing-in-love cuddle that often came with a night of passion, we had a serious talk about not getting into a relationship yet again. Oh, it was still a cuddle all right, but the kisses planted on my head were less in frequency and emotion than before.

Then he told me why. He said he got tired of being jealous all the time. Like when I couldn’t reply to his text at once, he’d always go crazy thinking about what I might be doing. And he’s tired of all the drama whenever we fight. What I heard was, he just got tired of being in a relationship.

Then he told me how he could never provide me the kind of lifestyle I wanted, give me the material things I wanted. I told him, I know I always told you that you couldn’t give me what I want. He nodded. Well, remember that night we were outside? His face was blank. So I continued, I was seeing you off and we kept on giving each other these goodbye kisses… That’s what I was looking for. That’s when I realized that I really loved you.

I felt I was going to cry, but he only looked away.

I told him that my co-worker asked my why she hasn’t seen me in their place lately (She lived in the same area as he). I said, I told her that we’ve broken up. He chuckled and said, You didn’t tell her that we’re FF’s now? I looked at him and said, Why would I do that? He said with bitter sarcasm, Because that’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? Just an FF.

So we had gone from almost engaged to friends with benefits. Such a relationship downgrade, if there ever was one. What does one do, or say, when one’s relationship regresses?

I was stumped for a few seconds. When I found my voice, I told him, No. I didn’t know that we’d ever see each other again.

He didn’t spend the night. But before he left, he asked me if it would be okay with me if he didn’t go back abroad if we got married. What would you do then? I asked. I’ll find work here, he said. Okay, then that’s fine with me. He shook his head and said, Nah, I think you’d give me hell if I couldn’t buy you the expensive things you wanted. You’d tell me to just go back and work abroad.

I honestly did not know what to say to that.

The passionate goodbye kiss I tried to give him was rudely rejected as he retaliated with a light smack on my lips. Who knew that such a friendly gesture could be so hurtful and offensive? Most certainly not him.

%d bloggers like this: